When patterns are broken, new worlds emerge.
Today is my first day out of bed ever since I came home. Efter my birthday weekend and all the events around it I was pretty out of it and it took some time for me to gather myself again. Something else that also has been new for me is that i finally fount out my condition. Finding out that I have Candida was the cherry on top of the icing. Now Candida is curable, so there are no worries there. I just know that I have a life changing journey infront of me.
I am so thankful for getting answers and now I know my responsibility. Hopefully with the change of diet my eczema will clear up, my depression will go away, my confidence can blossom, my body will grow stronger and hopefully I can heal my past.
I do feel a sense of clarity, almost as if I’m being reborn. I give thanks to all that is!
It has been a demanding weekend, and in my suffering I found my answers. I am still learning how to stay humble, even in my struggles. I am learning how to be courageous at all times!
In times like these I wonder if I have any friends... It's funny how when you start doing what you love, people show their true colors.
I have always been a lonely soul who follows my own path. If someone says I can't do it, I'll tell them watch me. But lately I don't have it in me to prove to others what I am capable of.
Life has been my mentor, and sometimes life will provide me with people I adore and people that I can learn from. But for instant my music, I have developed it myself. I have asked for help, and reached out to people but obviously people are busy with what ever they are busy with. Or maybe it's that they just don't want to work with me. So I decided to take things in my own hands. If I want something to happen I have to make it happen.
I picked up the guitar and started a relationship with it. Everything I know on it (not so much) I have figured out myself.
The reason to why I picked up the guitar is because I had no one to help me create my music. I don't have a producer who was willing to work with me and develop a sound.
So here I am, once again I'm following my own path and have to make shit work for myself. Don't get me wrong, I am grateful for this journey and the fact that I found the courage to show the world my true colors!
It's beautiful how life works.
Today has been a wonderful day.
Me and my fiancé went out for a stroll around 11, headed to Söder, which is a part of Stockholm, and we went to this spiritual book store that I love. Of course I ended up buying some new tarot cards and oracle cards, I also got a book about sound healing and my first pendulum. After the book store we went to this cafe that offers foretell of coffee and other fortune telling technics. Today all the pieces fell together, and I can now see the bigger picture.
After the cafe me and my fiancé went to a guitar store that my fiancé been dying to take me to. Guess what? He got me a beautiful guitar for my birthday even though my birthday is on Saturday. Ahhh I feel so lucky.
I’m excited for what is coming. Working on my music project is overwhelming but also something wonderful. I am taking it one step at the time, so more about The music when I have more to share!
My birthday is coming up. This year I will turn 25. Last year on my 24th birthday I decided to change my lifestyle, and this year I dive in to this even deeper. Now it is 110% dedication to a healthier lifestyle.
A good way to start my big 25 is with a sweat lodge that my fiancé arranged for us. I am so excited and I feel incredibly blessed to have such a wonderful man in my life who understands me!
Now, with this commitment comes responsibility. For those who don't know what a swea lodge
is, let me give you some quick information.
This is a native tradition, a ceremony for purification. If you want to know more it's better you yourself look in to it. I have never done it before so I rather not speak to much of if.
So before going to this ceremony, you should stay away from alcohol and drugs. I decided to take it a step further and do a detox. I might as well prepare for this cleansing with a cleansing.
After this I don't want to go back to eating how I am/was used to eating. I want to continue this purification and eat mindfully!
So here I am. In the prosses of life.
But when did we become so judgmental?
Here I stand. In the honesty of myself.
Should that be shameful?
These days I wonder when perfetion became our everyday.
Apperance, unrealistic standards is what we chase.
Are we affraid of showing the bigger picture?
What is hiding beyond the frames?
Isn’t it funny, how at the of end of the day, everything comes back to you. You go to sleep as you, and you wake up as you the next morning. Not one day will you wake up as someone else. Change does not happen over night.
Imagine if you would wake up one morning as someone else, somewhere else. Like in that movie ”freaky friday” or ”the hot chick”, what an experience!
Now this thought made me go deeper into the different ”you”, you experience through out life. Sometimes it feels like I wake up as a different person… but it’s still me. It’s still my life, and my circumstances.
I believe that change is so sneaky, sometimes you’re not even aware of it until it happens.
I feel as if there are times where I watch life happen but forget to see myself. Or times when I distract myself and get caught up in shit I really don’t care about. I guess we can call that self-destructive behaviors. An other way of putting it is procrastination. Worrying about shit that really does not matter.
This lead me to observe my different behaviors, and what I learned was intimidating. I thought I was crazy! The closer I looked the uglier it became. I was ashamed of myself and the life that I had created for myself. It wasn’t a chance in the world that that was me! But still, it was.
For a while I thought a bunch of different things of myself. I thought I was depressed, I thought I was bipolar, I really thought that I was mentally ill.
I searched for help but I could not express what I was feeling. Because when I was sitting there ready to explain my problems, I couldn’t even relate to what I was expressing.
I had been going to therapy since I was a child and I never felt as if anyone understood. I never felt as if anyone took the time to help me with what I was experiencing. So instead I would ignore it.
I would go on blaming the world for my situation. Pointing fingers on others to excuse my own behaviors, that I myself was denying.
It took a while for me to see that these behaviors belonged to different ”characters” that I had created for myself. The different narrators in my head. I did not want to accept this… this to me was Schizofrenia. This was crazy! Never have I ever heard or learned that we have different characters in us. In fact, I believe that we all have all characteristics in us but depending on what we feed will also grow. So when I discovered that my self talk changed depending on situations and so on, I now had to get to know the different characters to separate them…
The hurt one
The insecure one
There may be more or maybe even less, but my point is that I had to really listen closely to my own thoughts and see where it was coming from. Which voice was it that I was listening to?
What was the Ego saying? And the searcher, what was it searching for? Did different characters work together or what was going on? Why was I feeling so chattered. Who would I know when my self talk was switching narrators? The only thing I had left to do, the thing that I constantly was running from turns out to be my answer. To listen. To drop the guards and to let go of the expectations and just listen.
I am trying to put words on something that is hard to describe, so please be open here. There are many different ways to put it but it can also be hard to grasp. So don’t think, don’t expect, don’t judge. Just listen.
Hopefully I can further express this in a later post.
The things I’m passionate about are also the things that I am most vulnerable in. It has been challenging to accept the things I love instead of trying to force them to become something that they will never be.
I hope that you who reads this understand that this blog is just me speaking my truth, and I understand if it does not apply to your truth. We all have our own journey, and I choose to share mine here, openly.
For a while I ignored the things I was passionate about in life. I had a voice in my mind echoing ”you can’t survive if you don’t become successful!”, ”school is important!”, ”What you have to say is not important, play by the book instead”. These are just a couple of phrases I was repeating for myself. Then I started to ask my self ”what its success?”, ”what is school for?”, ”I’m I not allowed to question things?” and ”Does my opinion matter?”.
I have always loved music! I have always loved the way words can paint a picture. I enjoy expressing myself in different ways, but instead I told myself ”I had nothing to say”, or ”who would even listen to me?”. Why I was convincing myself these things is an whole other story, but the fact is that I never felt as if my opinion mattered, I never felt as if I matter. What I want to say is that even if I felt pain in my life, I still found a way to do the things that I’m passionate about. I continued even though my insecurities. I would create in my loneliness, because I was scared of what others should say. I was afraid of not being good enough.
As I continue on my journey, I feel an urge of expressing myself to the world. I wanted to be honest and open.
Today I no longer worry what others may think about me or the things that I express, just know that I’m only speaking for myself. I have no intention off judging anyone else or convincing anyone that I am right. The thing that I promote is finding your way, and for me this is what I choose.
I choose not to see success as the numbers of followers or the numbers of readers. The fact that I even posted this is a success to me. I want to question my own thoughts the same way I want to question the way the world looks. I would like to express what speaks to me.
I want to share my way of life and the fact that it’s not all pretty! Life has it’s ups and downs even when you find your way.
So I’m trying something new here. I want to see if people can relate to my truth. I want to see how it effects me to express my hearts desires, the voices in my mind, the struggles of my pain and the love of my soul.
This is just the beginning, and I’m excited for what may come!
I have always been a searcher. Searcher for the truth. I would seek what I was missing in others, not knowing that I myself had what I was looking for. I put myself out there in the world to find the truth not understanding that I am my own truth.
The answers I was looking for, I was carrying inside.
Never did I dare to believe that my truth, or that my reality was real. I questioned my own feelings, my own thoughts and my entire existence. My question was ”Who am I in this world?”.
Now I know that I am many things and that I can’t define myself in one character. Time is constantly passing, and we do change with it.
Change is scary. Especially when you cannot identify with what is changing. I had to let go of all expectations and the thought of ”being” someone or something. I had to learn how to just be. Sometimes things are the way they are, until they change or until you change. One thing stays the same, and that is that everything is ever changing.
Time will pass. Moments will pass. And life will pass. But all of those things are a part of the eternal, a part of infinity. I won’t ”be” forever, but I am a part of forever. I was here.
The reason you wake up in the morning is something that the people of Japan calls Ikigai. This saying is so profound, it paints such a picture it’s almost intimidating in its clarity.
Ikigai is where passion, mission, vocation and profession meets. This is you! Now your responsibility is to allow these to meet. Allow them to work together. Create balance and harmony in your life instead of conflict and confusion. Life is confusing as it is already. So let life be chaotic, let life be free. Accept the world for what it is. Know that you can not control what you can’t control in the external, unless you change your internal. Accept who you are, and the world will hold you. It created you to be you. In harmony with yourself.