Self love

For quite some time I had wondered about this term. What is self love?  

Loving yourself, not only when you feel good about yourself, was unthinkable for me. Therefore I had to learn more about compassion before I could explore this term of self love. 

It didn't exist in my world that I could love myself even at my lowes point. I was living a life lead by the ego, and the ego had a lot to say about who I was. Trust me, I am not ego free today, I have just learned that I don't have to believe in what the ego is trying to convince me of. 

As soon as I started to practice compassion, humbleness followed. I was learning to look at myself with a pair of loving eyes instead of the judgmental pair I was so blindly gazed through. 

I started to explore all parts of myself, and found the courage to look closer at the parts of myself that I had so desperately ignored. The hurt part of me. My inner child.  

Today I believe that self love is being open to change. Allowing oneself to grow. Giving yourself permission to shed those layers and identities that you hold on to. Letting go of the past, by accepting that it has brought you here. Self love to me, is acceptance of it all, the "good" and the "bad", and despite the flaws being able to see oneself as valuable and important. Being kind to oneself! 

To see yourself is to take responsibility for your own behavior. Not blaming others for the way you feel or act.  

It's easier to point fingers on others and focus on their short comings instead of feeling compassion for others and their journey through life.  

It's almost as if people tend to look at others and judge, thinking that they themselves would have done things differently. But have no understanding over why the person chose to do it their way. 

Who is right and who is wrong?  

 

What is right and what is wrong? 

Dear Sweden

Feels good to be on my way back to Stockholm, after an intense weekend in Malmö. Honestly I have mix emotions about the events that took place during this weekend and still is happiness the main feeling, knowing that we gained so much from this experience.

But still is disappointment a feeling I am very familiar with. This disappointment is something that I have kept to myself, and finally I feel strong enough to voice my opinion on this matter.

Sweden, you have never accepted my skin color, even though you've been very fascinated with my hair. So many times I've heard that I have that perfect sunburned skincolor people would kill for, and yet I am not white enough to fit in to your society in a way you would feel comfortable with. With other words you say my mother is too black. So distracted by the color of my skin you forget to see past that and forget to see the person I am. 

Growing up I would struggle not because I wanted to be white, but because I wanted to be seen as a human being and not a skincolor! I didn't want to be treated differently and still this was the treatment I was given.  

My father knew that I would struggle with this and tried to prepare me the best way he could for this hard and harsh reality. He said to me that it won't be easy being a smart beautiful black woman in this society so I have to work harder then others to get the things I wanted and to get the respect I deserve. 

For some it's hard to imagine or even understand how hard it is to be different. Standing out without even trying to stand out. I'm not trying to make a statement by dressing provocative or aiming for attention, I just simply want to be me... But I'm guessing that is a statement! 

I want to empower all women out there that feel similar. It is time for us to get the recognition we deserve, not because we are black, different or women, but because we are human!  

Now, with that said I also want to express my gratitude over having a older sister who always have been paving the way for me and the younger generation. Proving that we do not have to complain about the way things look, but simply address reality and create an alternative choice for our youth.

With love!  

Let's do this!  

Sharing knowledge

Life just happens so unexpected, and this I am grateful for! I am grateful to be who I am, where I am surrounded with those I love, and most importantly I am grateful for where I've been. All the experiences that brought me to this exact moment! 

I am not flawless and I know I have plenty mistakes that awaits, but I know that this is also needed in life. We have to have the courage to make mistakes, for it will give us the knowledge and strength for change. 

I do not expect to be right at all times, and I do hope that if someone feels that they hold knowledge of something that might enlighten me, they would share that with me. The same way I love to share the things I've learned so far!  

I don't claim to know it all, I just know what I know, and I may have strong opinions and express my believes strongly. But I am always up for learning, learning is what I live for! 

Good morning

I have yet gotten out for bed, and the time is 10am. I feel chattered, and can't decide if I should order a coffee or a tea from downstairs. I'm guessing that's just luxury problems, being that everything we order comes right up in the food elevator that goes from the cafeteria straight up to my kitchen.  

Latte it is...  

Now I have the next decision to make, what book will I read this morning. I am the kind of person who likes to read multiple books att the time. I feel as if the universe really speaks to me in that way. But the problem is that it takes time to read then, being that I sometimes have a hard time picking I which to read I don't read at all. Some days I read from all of them, those days are my productive days where I listen to my sound books, listen to my podcasts, read all my books and write a couple of pages in my journal. My goal is to have this productive flow everyday, also do morning yoga and meditation and a round two in the evening. 

Oh, there goes my latte. I will continue to write later on today.  

 

Ciao

Thoughts(sisterhood)

There are so many things happening in my body right now, and I wish I could put words to the experiance that I am having. Over all I feel showered with love, but occasionally sadness washes over me...

I have been struggling to find my place in this world and what I longed for the most was to be accepted by the people around me. Getting their approval was so important that I would bend backwards just to get a pat on the back.  

Finally I stopped trying to prove myself, but sadly I turned bitter instead. After years of working with self acceptance and self love I now realize that I still have quite some work to do. But today my self work is filled with self love.

Today I have people around me that love me even at my very lowest, and because of that I am capable of working through the rough times. They don't expect me to be at my happiest or very best at all times and they understand that I am human. They don't distance themselves just because I'm not as jolly as usual, and they understand when I need to figure something's out for myself. Allowing me to make my own decisions without judgment and supports me all the way.

To my sisterhood, you are all my sisters! I am blessed to have you in my life. Grateful to share joy and pain with you, to share laughter and tears, to share this experience of life with you by my side! I feel blessed to know such beautiful souls!  

Thoughts

I feel as if I am finding my voice, learning to express myself directly, and keep it simple.  

 

For a long time I felt misunderstood, and the more desperately and aggressively I would express myself, the more I would feel misunderstood.

Now I frankly don't care if you get what I'm saying, unless you ask me to explain. Then I will take my time and to clarify anything that feels unclear.

As long as I stay true to me.  

first yoga class

I am so grateful for the people that came today, and the fact that they trusted me to lead them through this class. I must admit that I messed up a couple of times, but we grow from our mistakes, and I refuse to see it as failure. If this was a while back I would be really hard on myself, because I know that I know better. Still I sometimes have to make those mistakes that I was so frightened doing, and turn the fear into courage and knowledge. 

We all start as beginners and practice makes perfect. I ask myself, what is it that I want to teach, and the same moment ask myself I know that I want to teach love and compassion. 

But most importantly I have to practice it, on myself and others. I am finding my way and my voice through this journey and I am learning to be proud even of my flaws. And by that I mean grateful for the experience of it, but it doesn't mean that I won't work on the things I feel needs my attention a bit more.

The Holidays

Right now I was supposed to be in Italy with my man and his family, but unfortunately a couple of days before we were going to leave my whole skin broke out, and I wasn't able to leave. So Christmas didn't happened as planed, but then again what goes according to plans anyways?

Here I am in Sweden, on Christmas eve without any type of Christmas spirit. With all honesty I never felt the Christmas spirit being that I haven't celebrated it since my parents got divorced when I was 8. This time has always been dark and lonely for me and I would long for a family to celebrate with.

Today I see that I don't care much for any holiday, and I think everyday should be a celebration. It's almost as if these holidays, makes us focus on the things we don't have and gives us the opportunity to be ungrateful and greedy. The holidays to me is destined to be a disappointment because you can always find something to be disappointed about.

 

Boom!

Life truly happens unexpectedly at times.

I've been shaken and woken. 

I am done speaking about events. I honestly feel like I have had enough of my own bullshit trying to reach out to people. I'm done seeking approval.

The only thing that I find important right now is for me to accept the now and what ever experience I am having. I can't worry about everything or everybody else and get myself all worked up for no reason, when I actually could be having a very pleasant experience just being in my body and feeling the now. 

Allowing the experience to take place in my whole being, instead of limiting myself by only using my mind.

Surrendering to the now, trusting the universe and letting go of the need to be in control. 

 

 

 

Day 115 (sadhana)

The days are slipping by fast and for some reason, they all kind of blur together. Floating through space forgetting all about the concept of time. Finally I feel free. I am free in my thinking, and I feel free in my body. 

Breaking through the berries, digging through the layers, exposing the core. 

I had to accept myself and the life that I had built for myself, and therefor I learned to be compassionate with others and where they stand. Last year (summer 2015) my mother gave my a book written by Louise Hay, You can heal your life. This book was my wake up call.

I had a series of experiences that I allowed to effect me negatively, and for quite some time I was questioning pretty much everything. My questioning had started long before my mother gave me this book, but it was as if I was reading my own words, and for the first time I opened up to listen. This book helped me to structure my life and finally I started to walk the walk, and even though it was less talking I would still talk. I am learning to be more selective in what I say, and I'm trying to keep it simple. Simplicity is key.

115 days ago I started a intensive yoga teacher course. and it has been everything between intensive and peaceful. I have gained so many tools from this experience and now i truly feel like a yogini.

Yoga had been extremely helpful in all aspects of my life and I am grateful for the relationship I have developed with yoga and myself! I went from thinking spiritually to actually with my whole being expressing my spirituality!

Light and blessings <3

 

 

Family

Today My mother is coming to Stockholm to visit me. She recently became a grandmother  and I am now an aunty. So my mother traveled to Gothenburg to hang out with my powerful sister and the little princess! 

I feel so blessed to have this in my life. Even though my sister lives in an other city and my mother lives in an other country, we have a beautiful bond. Plus it gives me opportunites to travel.