Day 13 (28 day cleanse)

I have been struggling these past couple of days, and lots of emotions have been brought up to the surface. I have been feeling feelings of failure and been somewhat critical towards myself because I haven’t been able to stick to the diet 100%. But I remind myself that each day comes with the opportunity to start again.  

Even though I feel this way at times I also see the upside of it. It shows me where I have to heal and therefore I can bring my attention to these parts of me. I can shed light upon the parts that I have been keeping in the dark for so long. 

This cleanse have allowed me to face myself in honesty once again. Seeing where I stand now, and I am now reclaiming my power. 

Today I meditated for the first time in a while, and it came to my attention that I have been chasing something that I don’t really feel good in. I noticed how my thoughts over and over again came back to one thing. And this thing was social media. I know that I want to share my journey, but I also want to be present during it. So the main goal isn’t to share it, but to experience it, and I feel like I lost that focus. I focused so much on sharing things on Instagram and then I started feeling anxious, because I didn’t feel like I was being true to myself. 

Social media can be addictive, and I got so caught up in it that I forgot to give myself love during these challenging times.  

Today during meditation it appeared to me that I am now heading a different direction then what I aimed for. So I take this time to recollect myself and my focus. Once again taking a couple of steps back.  

 

Trust

Turning my focus inwards have allowed me to ground myself in my experience. The feeling of digging deeper and deeper now excites me rather than frightens me. Because in the beginning it was hard to even face myself. The most important thing to me, is to trust in the higher power. Trusting my journey. 

2018

 

 

So where do start?

Yea, life has been hectic after Christmas and all of that noise, even though I find it lovely to spend time with loved ones, I also value my alone time a whole lot.

Spending time with people sometimes have me end up outside of myself. I get caught up and slowly drift from myself. I forget to fill my cup, and soon I would be drained. Then I become a snail in its shell. I turn inwards to find myself again. I go into my cocoon to shower myself with love, and now I recover in no time.

I am learning to hear my own needs while around others and taking the space I need. This year I open up to receiving the courage and confidence to be me, always, no matter what. I am learning to feel worthy, because I know I am worthy. I deserve, what ever my heart desires.

It's happening

So I am officially 11 days over due, and I am finally having contractions! Yaaay.

 

On Monday I went to see my midwife and due to leakage I was sent to the hospital to examine if the water had broke. But it was a false alarm, apparently it was just discharge in a very watery form, which is common before labor starts. 

 

I was patiently waiting for labor to kick in, but nothing was happening. Yesterday I noticed a change in the color of the discharge. It went from this see through watery liquid to a pinkish color and a bit thicker in the texture. This is a sign that the cervix is ripening, and it wasn't long until I started having contractions. 

 

Ive been up all night, clocking contractions. Since two am they have been consistent, 10 minutes apart. Then it was a while when they were about 20 minutes apart around 7am this morning. Now I am having two contractions in 7 minutes and the clock is 1:40pm. I'm gonna continue clocking for a while and then head in to the hospital.  

 

I am so excited. This is it, we are finally meeting our baby girl! 

Pregnancy; 6 days overdue

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I am feeling a bit stressed. Phone calls are coming in, people are curious asking if she arrived. I feel blessed to have people care about us and our baby girl, but I am also a bit frustrated over the situation. I am trying to relax and not get to worked up, but I just can't wait to meet my baby.  

I am seriously thinking about going hiding underneath a rock somewhere and not come out to show my face until this little one has decided to enter this world. 

But I guess I'm being a bit dramatic. Instead I'll kick my feet up, have some good food and watch movies.  

Tomorrow I am going to see the midwife, hopefully that will bring me some peace.  

Vessel of God

So here I am, 37 weeks pregnant looking back at my pregnancy journey. So much have happened, mentally, emotionally, spiritually and of course physically.  

When I first found out that I was pregnant I had mixed emotions, and a million thoughts ran through my mind. I doubted my self and was frighten of motherhood. But deep inside I knew I wanted to keep the baby. I have done abortion before and I also had a miscarriage, so deep inside I knew that this was a blessing. But of course I asked myself if this was the right time. But then again who am I to say when's the right time. 

Once we decided that we were going to keep the baby I knew change was needed, and I am so proud of how we have grown during this experience.  

Knowing that my body now was a home for a growing individual I also had to think about what I was feeding my body. Knowing that the little person inside would be effected by my conditions made me more aware of my thoughts, feelings and habits. I was became even more aware of my lifestyle.  

In the beginning I was somewhat low in energy but still didn't experience any negative symptoms of pregnancy such as morning sickness or headaches. Due to my diet I didn't really get the nutrition that I needed and I was craving candy and fat foods. It came to a point where I could eat burgers and pizza several days in a row.  

Finally I started rethinking and questioning the foods I was craving, and started to eat "healthier" until I turned completely vegan. Once I turned vegan my energy was on top and my skin was clearing up from all the eczema that I have suffered from since a child. I have never felt better.  

I am still processing the fact that I have a baby growing inside. Feeling her move inside of me, it's like time stops and I am completely mesmerized.  

It's hard to explain what being pregnant does to you, but I feel like a whole new person. I feel holy, like a vessel of god, bringing an amazing piece of art into the world. 

Going vegan

I have been so terrible at blog posts lately, but hey, something it be like that. I don't know if I have been writing about going vegan here, but if I have you just have to deal with another post. I know that this one isn't the last one neither.  

So, more than a month ago me and my man decided to go vegan. We had slowly transitioned into becoming vegetarians but after seeing what the health, we decided to cut out all animal products from our diet.  

In the beginning I felt hungry all the time, and got cravings. Being that I am pregnant I first thought it was pregnancy cravings, but after speaking to my two soul sister they confirmed to me that this was completely normal and that I wasn't alone in feeling hungry.  

I can't lie, I have cheated a couple of times, and had some pizza. But honestly I was so disappointed each time since I didn't really feel satisfied. I just how heavy my body got and my skin did not like this as all! 

There are so many other things that have been occurring to me after changing my diet and I will actually take time to share more with you. It's just that I have been preparing for the baby to arrive and have a hard time focusing on anything else. So please be patient with me.  

 

 

Update time (pregnancy)

Ok, so I have been dragging my feet when it comes to updating my blog. One reason is because I am so caught up in this pregnancy and I really been enjoying just spending time with my man connecting with our little princess. Due to the pregnancy my priorities have shifted and honestly I've been to tired to post things here also due to the fact that I haven't really thought about what I want to share. Now I am feeling more centered and rooted, which makes it easier to express myself. 

I am currently in week 28, or I just entered week 28 (27+0). This is the last week of the second trimester, and it's only 90 days left till due date. Gaaaah, time flies. 

I have had a pretty good pregnancy so far, with little to no pain or other symptoms like headache or nausea. I feel so lucky. I am now starting to feel heavier and have actually gained 20kg, even though it is not visible, I am curious how much more I will gain, knowing that I am entering the trimester where the stomach grows rapidly.  

I promise I will be better at updating the blog, hopefully I can do a weekly update from now on.  

 

Timeless

As I watched myself watching myself, I wondered, who is this watching me?  

Am I an infinite spirit watching myself having a physical experience, through the ever changing nows that adds up to my life?  

This experience feels so new and yet so familiar. Is this the timeless place I feared so much?  

Suddenly I heard, "you are drifting, soften your focus. Come back to the here and now. Do not fear what you see. You are safe to observe, safe to listen, safe to be".  

I became aware of my body and how tense I had become, as if my body was resisting this experience. I took a deep breath, let go of the fear, trusting that the universe will hold me. Once again I was floating, once again I was tasting the sweet essence of my infinite soul. Here I was safe. Here I was free.  

What a peaceful feeling, letting go of the control I thought is had.  

Truth

Seeing oneself can be a challenge at times, but through acceptance one is set free. I am learning to accept not only myself but also the way I experience things. Seeing that I do not have to be in control at all time, nor do I have to figure things out, I just want to be present in the here and now.  

Now that I've been observing myself for a while I also see that I do not have to react to everything that is happening, and I no longer feel the need of pointing things out.  

 

Mindblowing

The fact that I am pregnant completely slipped my mind due to a hectic day morning. I entered week 15 today, and now the baby is starting to pick up sound through the vibration in the water! That's so freaking amazing, and the fact that I am creating a life right now is mind blowing. 

Now I am going to talk to my stomach and cuddle with the precious bundle of joy that is growing with in!  

New day, new opportunities

Gaaaah, what a morning it's been. Filled with frustration, which I don't find negative at all. In my frustration I also get to know myself and the things that ticks me which are the things that I am learning to deal with. 

Since I accepted that I was healing I also had to admit to myself that I was hurting. Being honest with this allows me to get deeper within. 

Selfawareness brings awareness over all. To see where I stand and how I perceive things allows be to understand myself and how I am constantly changing. Learning not to allow emotions run the show. But still I find it important to feel, without clinging on to these emotions.  

It's equally important to feel as it is to deal with these emotions. Not holding the emotions against oneself. Seeing things for what they are. 

Moment of truth

It seems as if the latest post I've been posting have magically disappeared, but I guess it was meant to be that way.  

So good people, the moment of truth has finally arrived.  

To be honest I feel alone. I do have my amazing man that is so sweet and supportive, but when it comes to friends I honestly don't really feel I have many.  

It's always been hard for me to have female friends and even harder to have genuine male friends. For so long I felt like a lonely wolf, and at times I still do. 

I don't have a problem spending time with myself, I actually enjoy it! I just find myself socially awkward and often misjudged in company of others. 

Maybe I am crazy to say this, but I have to be honest with how I feel... at times it's as if the friends I have don't always like me... and sometimes even envy me. It's like people tend to feel the need of competing. 

Jealousy is a tricky thing... and I have a hard time believing that people do it on purpose. So I can't think bad of them for being jealous.  

I strongly believe that friendship and companionship should be all about lifting each other up, but it's not often I see that happening in our generation. Sadly there is so much underneath the surface people rather hide and deny than to face and deal with...

When ever things go well for the people around me or even people I don't know, I am filled with joy! And I have learned read comparing oneself with others with only lead to disappointment.  

I've learned to be grateful for what life offers me, instead of wishing for what life has offered others. 

Day 11

So today is day 11 of my sadhana(spiritual practice) with the theme "discipline and commitment". I took the time to really think about my passions and honestly it's not as hard as I make it to be. I guess that's resistance, fear and doubt that I can accomplish the things I dream of. Sometimes I find it challenging to put words to the things I wish to happen and for some reason it's so much easier to name the things I don't want. 

I am once again seeing the power of gratitude, and being grateful for what it. I have built a routine of creating music, and now I'm also creating jewelry. This I am proud and grateful of. Yoga is a part of my daily life and meditation is soon to be a part of it aswell. I am learning to be patient while I build. Laying each brick as perfect as I am capable of in that moment. Growing to understand that persistency is key! It's ok to wander, because each time I come back to what's important I build a stronger muscle of mindfulness.  

Sometimes we have to forget in order to remember. Each time I "come back" I stay longer, and each time I slip, I remember to return quicker. I have now understood that this is my journey and everything that comes with it is my experience. I learn to treasure it all, "ups" as well as "downs" . 

With all the self criticism and doubts I've experienced I can now say that I love to sing, I love to draw, I love to move my body, I love to write, I love making jewelry, and most importantly I do not have to prove myself in any of these things, because I do not do the to impress. I do it simply because it is a part of me, and others opinions and criticism does no longer effect me.  

I am an artist!