It's happening

So I am officially 11 days over due, and I am finally having contractions! Yaaay.

 

On Monday I went to see my midwife and due to leakage I was sent to the hospital to examine if the water had broke. But it was a false alarm, apparently it was just discharge in a very watery form, which is common before labor starts. 

 

I was patiently waiting for labor to kick in, but nothing was happening. Yesterday I noticed a change in the color of the discharge. It went from this see through watery liquid to a pinkish color and a bit thicker in the texture. This is a sign that the cervix is ripening, and it wasn't long until I started having contractions. 

 

Ive been up all night, clocking contractions. Since two am they have been consistent, 10 minutes apart. Then it was a while when they were about 20 minutes apart around 7am this morning. Now I am having two contractions in 7 minutes and the clock is 1:40pm. I'm gonna continue clocking for a while and then head in to the hospital.  

 

I am so excited. This is it, we are finally meeting our baby girl! 

Pregnancy; 6 days overdue

IMG_6763.JPG

I am feeling a bit stressed. Phone calls are coming in, people are curious asking if she arrived. I feel blessed to have people care about us and our baby girl, but I am also a bit frustrated over the situation. I am trying to relax and not get to worked up, but I just can't wait to meet my baby.  

I am seriously thinking about going hiding underneath a rock somewhere and not come out to show my face until this little one has decided to enter this world. 

But I guess I'm being a bit dramatic. Instead I'll kick my feet up, have some good food and watch movies.  

Tomorrow I am going to see the midwife, hopefully that will bring me some peace.  

Vessel of God

So here I am, 37 weeks pregnant looking back at my pregnancy journey. So much have happened, mentally, emotionally, spiritually and of course physically.  

When I first found out that I was pregnant I had mixed emotions, and a million thoughts ran through my mind. I doubted my self and was frighten of motherhood. But deep inside I knew I wanted to keep the baby. I have done abortion before and I also had a miscarriage, so deep inside I knew that this was a blessing. But of course I asked myself if this was the right time. But then again who am I to say when's the right time. 

Once we decided that we were going to keep the baby I knew change was needed, and I am so proud of how we have grown during this experience.  

Knowing that my body now was a home for a growing individual I also had to think about what I was feeding my body. Knowing that the little person inside would be effected by my conditions made me more aware of my thoughts, feelings and habits. I was became even more aware of my lifestyle.  

In the beginning I was somewhat low in energy but still didn't experience any negative symptoms of pregnancy such as morning sickness or headaches. Due to my diet I didn't really get the nutrition that I needed and I was craving candy and fat foods. It came to a point where I could eat burgers and pizza several days in a row.  

Finally I started rethinking and questioning the foods I was craving, and started to eat "healthier" until I turned completely vegan. Once I turned vegan my energy was on top and my skin was clearing up from all the eczema that I have suffered from since a child. I have never felt better.  

I am still processing the fact that I have a baby growing inside. Feeling her move inside of me, it's like time stops and I am completely mesmerized.  

It's hard to explain what being pregnant does to you, but I feel like a whole new person. I feel holy, like a vessel of god, bringing an amazing piece of art into the world. 

Going vegan

I have been so terrible at blog posts lately, but hey, something it be like that. I don't know if I have been writing about going vegan here, but if I have you just have to deal with another post. I know that this one isn't the last one neither.  

So, more than a month ago me and my man decided to go vegan. We had slowly transitioned into becoming vegetarians but after seeing what the health, we decided to cut out all animal products from our diet.  

In the beginning I felt hungry all the time, and got cravings. Being that I am pregnant I first thought it was pregnancy cravings, but after speaking to my two soul sister they confirmed to me that this was completely normal and that I wasn't alone in feeling hungry.  

I can't lie, I have cheated a couple of times, and had some pizza. But honestly I was so disappointed each time since I didn't really feel satisfied. I just how heavy my body got and my skin did not like this as all! 

There are so many other things that have been occurring to me after changing my diet and I will actually take time to share more with you. It's just that I have been preparing for the baby to arrive and have a hard time focusing on anything else. So please be patient with me.  

 

 

Update time (pregnancy)

Ok, so I have been dragging my feet when it comes to updating my blog. One reason is because I am so caught up in this pregnancy and I really been enjoying just spending time with my man connecting with our little princess. Due to the pregnancy my priorities have shifted and honestly I've been to tired to post things here also due to the fact that I haven't really thought about what I want to share. Now I am feeling more centered and rooted, which makes it easier to express myself. 

I am currently in week 28, or I just entered week 28 (27+0). This is the last week of the second trimester, and it's only 90 days left till due date. Gaaaah, time flies. 

I have had a pretty good pregnancy so far, with little to no pain or other symptoms like headache or nausea. I feel so lucky. I am now starting to feel heavier and have actually gained 20kg, even though it is not visible, I am curious how much more I will gain, knowing that I am entering the trimester where the stomach grows rapidly.  

I promise I will be better at updating the blog, hopefully I can do a weekly update from now on.  

 

Timeless

As I watched myself watching myself, I wondered, who is this watching me?  

Am I an infinite spirit watching myself having a physical experience, through the ever changing nows that adds up to my life?  

This experience feels so new and yet so familiar. Is this the timeless place I feared so much?  

Suddenly I heard, "you are drifting, soften your focus. Come back to the here and now. Do not fear what you see. You are safe to observe, safe to listen, safe to be".  

I became aware of my body and how tense I had become, as if my body was resisting this experience. I took a deep breath, let go of the fear, trusting that the universe will hold me. Once again I was floating, once again I was tasting the sweet essence of my infinite soul. Here I was safe. Here I was free.  

What a peaceful feeling, letting go of the control I thought is had.  

Truth

Seeing oneself can be a challenge at times, but through acceptance one is set free. I am learning to accept not only myself but also the way I experience things. Seeing that I do not have to be in control at all time, nor do I have to figure things out, I just want to be present in the here and now.  

Now that I've been observing myself for a while I also see that I do not have to react to everything that is happening, and I no longer feel the need of pointing things out.  

 

Mindblowing

The fact that I am pregnant completely slipped my mind due to a hectic day morning. I entered week 15 today, and now the baby is starting to pick up sound through the vibration in the water! That's so freaking amazing, and the fact that I am creating a life right now is mind blowing. 

Now I am going to talk to my stomach and cuddle with the precious bundle of joy that is growing with in!  

New day, new opportunities

Gaaaah, what a morning it's been. Filled with frustration, which I don't find negative at all. In my frustration I also get to know myself and the things that ticks me which are the things that I am learning to deal with. 

Since I accepted that I was healing I also had to admit to myself that I was hurting. Being honest with this allows me to get deeper within. 

Selfawareness brings awareness over all. To see where I stand and how I perceive things allows be to understand myself and how I am constantly changing. Learning not to allow emotions run the show. But still I find it important to feel, without clinging on to these emotions.  

It's equally important to feel as it is to deal with these emotions. Not holding the emotions against oneself. Seeing things for what they are. 

Moment of truth

It seems as if the latest post I've been posting have magically disappeared, but I guess it was meant to be that way.  

So good people, the moment of truth has finally arrived.  

To be honest I feel alone. I do have my amazing man that is so sweet and supportive, but when it comes to friends I honestly don't really feel I have many.  

It's always been hard for me to have female friends and even harder to have genuine male friends. For so long I felt like a lonely wolf, and at times I still do. 

I don't have a problem spending time with myself, I actually enjoy it! I just find myself socially awkward and often misjudged in company of others. 

Maybe I am crazy to say this, but I have to be honest with how I feel... at times it's as if the friends I have don't always like me... and sometimes even envy me. It's like people tend to feel the need of competing. 

Jealousy is a tricky thing... and I have a hard time believing that people do it on purpose. So I can't think bad of them for being jealous.  

I strongly believe that friendship and companionship should be all about lifting each other up, but it's not often I see that happening in our generation. Sadly there is so much underneath the surface people rather hide and deny than to face and deal with...

When ever things go well for the people around me or even people I don't know, I am filled with joy! And I have learned read comparing oneself with others with only lead to disappointment.  

I've learned to be grateful for what life offers me, instead of wishing for what life has offered others. 

Day 11

So today is day 11 of my sadhana(spiritual practice) with the theme "discipline and commitment". I took the time to really think about my passions and honestly it's not as hard as I make it to be. I guess that's resistance, fear and doubt that I can accomplish the things I dream of. Sometimes I find it challenging to put words to the things I wish to happen and for some reason it's so much easier to name the things I don't want. 

I am once again seeing the power of gratitude, and being grateful for what it. I have built a routine of creating music, and now I'm also creating jewelry. This I am proud and grateful of. Yoga is a part of my daily life and meditation is soon to be a part of it aswell. I am learning to be patient while I build. Laying each brick as perfect as I am capable of in that moment. Growing to understand that persistency is key! It's ok to wander, because each time I come back to what's important I build a stronger muscle of mindfulness.  

Sometimes we have to forget in order to remember. Each time I "come back" I stay longer, and each time I slip, I remember to return quicker. I have now understood that this is my journey and everything that comes with it is my experience. I learn to treasure it all, "ups" as well as "downs" . 

With all the self criticism and doubts I've experienced I can now say that I love to sing, I love to draw, I love to move my body, I love to write, I love making jewelry, and most importantly I do not have to prove myself in any of these things, because I do not do the to impress. I do it simply because it is a part of me, and others opinions and criticism does no longer effect me.  

I am an artist! 

Discipline and commitment, day 1

So once again, I have an urge to express myself and what I'm going through. At the moment I m reading this book my mother gave me, it's called " The game of life and how to play it". Honestly it has had a huge impact on me already even though I only read one chapter. I won't get in to details of the book but I will share with you the thoughts that are arising from it.  

It is so easy to forget what we are here for, and with the constant distractions and temptations of this world, I often find myself off track. One week I have this enthusiasm about where I'm heading in life, and the next week I feel completely lost. This is nothing new, and I pat myself on the back for strengthening the muscle of mindfulness. Because now a days I get back on track with in days or weeks, when before it could take me months to even realize that I've been drifting.  

Today I am committing to my purpose fully, and the intention of this year is discipline. The irony is that commitment takes discipline, and also will. I know that there will be days that I don't feel for it and that's just old patterns repeating it self , but to create the new I also have to do something different . 

My purpose it still something that isn't completely clear to me, and this is why I am building this commitment to myself, because somehow I am my life purpose.  

The book has shed the light on how important and powerful the word is, and therefore I am committed to write! To express where I am and to have the courage to dream.  

There is something else that I have found powerful these couple of days and I have mentioned it in an earlier post probably last year ( if I haven't deleted it) and that is the on going conversation that we have with ourselves. The beauty of this is that it is also the conversions we are having with the universe. This is the law of attraction, and the universe is always listening. It will respond on the same frequency as your self talk. So if you are talking down to yourself this is also what you will receive. 

I have been working on myself talk and honestly it haven't been the easiest thing to accept. I come from such destructive behaviors, and still from time to time they will visit. Then again I must say I am proud of where I stand today, and the fact that I can face myself with love and understanding.  

 

Upcoming yoga class

I am excited for my upcoming yoga class I am instructing! The last one I did was truly a eye opener, and I got to observe myself in a way I never have done before! I know that the learning and growing never ends and I am curious how things will unfold this time!  

My current focus is grounding, which I believe that we can find very useful in the times we live in! In grounding we will focus on the first chakra, root or base chakra or muladara chakra which it's called in the yogic  language Sanskrit. This is the first chakra and it's located in the base of the spine. The element is earth and represents our physical form. 

When energy flows freely through this chakra it supports us and we feel safe. Just like a solid foundation. But when there are blockages here, we experience fear, and as a survival instinct we push away new experiences and connect back to painful experiences of the past. We are then unable to create new connections. 

Hopefully I will be able to guide my students through their fears and achieve new and soothing experiences of being here and now. 

The journey of healing

I can't pretend that life is easy. Even though it is beautiful the wounded girl in me still cries. Dealing with the painful truth of my reality has been challenging for me, and from time to time I forget how grateful I am for it all! 

The upside of this story is that I was battling depression and now I no longer suffer from it. Even though frustration visits me from time to time I am now aware that it won't stay for long, unless I cling on to it.  

I am still reprogramming my brain from the untrue believes that I would replay in my head like a broken record! 

 

Turning my frustration into motivation

For so long, I've been searching for approval, and to be accepted. I been longing to be loved for who I am. Especially from the people close to me. Even though I know not everyone will approve of me and my ways.

Accepting myself have been hard when people around me disapprove of my beliefs. I would become frustrated with this and feel as if I'm not good enough. Even though I know I am the one who has to accept me, it's been a struggle since I want so badly for others to love and see me for who I am.  

Where I struggle the most is with my mans family. They have had their fair share of opinions about me, and what's so funny is that I don't blame them. But it's as if they blame me for the things that goes wrong in his life.  

Being the people pleaser that I am I have had no problem taking the blame and sadly I would start to blame myself aswell.  

I have lived a troubled life, and I have also been open and honest about this to those around me. But instead of being supported I would be judged.  

Don't get me wrong, I do have supportive people in my life, and ever since I started working on my self my family and friends have been very supportive!  

And still I feel so hurt by not getting my mans families approval, or compassion.  

Today I am turning that frustration into motivation.  

I now feel motivated to continue walking down my path with pride regardless of who's watching!  

I have lead a broken life, but I am picking up the peices, knowing that this is what's has molded me into the beautiful woman I am today. And no one will stop me from continuing to bloom!  

 

 

Self love

For quite some time I had wondered about this term. What is self love?  

Loving yourself, not only when you feel good about yourself, was unthinkable for me. Therefore I had to learn more about compassion before I could explore this term of self love. 

It didn't exist in my world that I could love myself even at my lowes point. I was living a life lead by the ego, and the ego had a lot to say about who I was. Trust me, I am not ego free today, I have just learned that I don't have to believe in what the ego is trying to convince me of. 

As soon as I started to practice compassion, humbleness followed. I was learning to look at myself with a pair of loving eyes instead of the judgmental pair I was so blindly gazed through. 

I started to explore all parts of myself, and found the courage to look closer at the parts of myself that I had so desperately ignored. The hurt part of me. My inner child.  

Today I believe that self love is being open to change. Allowing oneself to grow. Giving yourself permission to shed those layers and identities that you hold on to. Letting go of the past, by accepting that it has brought you here. Self love to me, is acceptance of it all, the "good" and the "bad", and despite the flaws being able to see oneself as valuable and important. Being kind to oneself!