When I first started to study and observe myself I noticed something I today call intervals. It was like my life consisted of loops and pendulums. As if I would end up in the same place sooner or later, saying "ah, this is so typical" not really understanding how I got there. Then I noticed how I was shutting my eyes when it came to facing my own behavior, because it was indeed my behaviors and actions that had me end up in this same spot. So I would end up "there" a mess, exhausted, broken and fed up with myself. I can still remember the inner dialogue that was playing so loudly inside my head. I would isolate myself from the people around me and turn inwards. I had to straighten things out for myself. This could last for months, and I must say that I learned a lot from spending time with myself. I would write songs, I would play around with the guitar, improving since I didn't know how to play. I would watch documentaries, read books, write my journal and write poetry. To be honest, during this time of my loop I was very creative. Once I started to study and notice what I had created for myself I saw how self destructive I was. It was almost as if I had to put myself through shit and danger in order to come back to myself and create. After being creative and learning I would go out into the world, only to hurt myself again, to gain some inspiration to create from. For quite sometime I lived in this loop, and thought that this was life. Either being happy, or being sad.
I believe that there was a time when this behavior may have served me good, but the direction that I was heading in was not in need of it. So I had to shed the layers I was hiding behind to expose my truest self, and this was so challenging. Building the new does not happen over night, and to get rid of a habit I believe we have to replace it with something else. So there where times where I would argue with myself, feeling ashamed over knowing better and still having these behaviors. I was in a void, of past behaviors and future behavior. Slowly, slowly the intervals would get smaller and I felt more and more like myself, being able to see when I was stepping outside of myself, entering a loop of past behavior. I had to learn how to be compassionate towards myself when this happened and not be so hard on myself. Trusting the process, and being open to learning. Surrendering to the now.