Isn’t it funny, how at the of end of the day, everything comes back to you. You go to sleep as you, and you wake up as you the next morning. Not one day will you wake up as someone else. Change does not happen over night.
Imagine if you would wake up one morning as someone else, somewhere else. Like in that movie ”freaky friday” or ”the hot chick”, what an experience!
Now this thought made me go deeper into the different ”you”, you experience through out life. Sometimes it feels like I wake up as a different person… but it’s still me. It’s still my life, and my circumstances.
I believe that change is so sneaky, sometimes you’re not even aware of it until it happens.
I feel as if there are times where I watch life happen but forget to see myself. Or times when I distract myself and get caught up in shit I really don’t care about. I guess we can call that self-destructive behaviors. An other way of putting it is procrastination. Worrying about shit that really does not matter.
This lead me to observe my different behaviors, and what I learned was intimidating. I thought I was crazy! The closer I looked the uglier it became. I was ashamed of myself and the life that I had created for myself. It wasn’t a chance in the world that that was me! But still, it was.
For a while I thought a bunch of different things of myself. I thought I was depressed, I thought I was bipolar, I really thought that I was mentally ill.
I searched for help but I could not express what I was feeling. Because when I was sitting there ready to explain my problems, I couldn’t even relate to what I was expressing.
I had been going to therapy since I was a child and I never felt as if anyone understood. I never felt as if anyone took the time to help me with what I was experiencing. So instead I would ignore it.
I would go on blaming the world for my situation. Pointing fingers on others to excuse my own behaviors, that I myself was denying.
It took a while for me to see that these behaviors belonged to different ”characters” that I had created for myself. The different narrators in my head. I did not want to accept this… this to me was Schizofrenia. This was crazy! Never have I ever heard or learned that we have different characters in us. In fact, I believe that we all have all characteristics in us but depending on what we feed will also grow. So when I discovered that my self talk changed depending on situations and so on, I now had to get to know the different characters to separate them…
The hurt one
The insecure one
There may be more or maybe even less, but my point is that I had to really listen closely to my own thoughts and see where it was coming from. Which voice was it that I was listening to?
What was the Ego saying? And the searcher, what was it searching for? Did different characters work together or what was going on? Why was I feeling so chattered. Who would I know when my self talk was switching narrators? The only thing I had left to do, the thing that I constantly was running from turns out to be my answer. To listen. To drop the guards and to let go of the expectations and just listen.
I am trying to put words on something that is hard to describe, so please be open here. There are many different ways to put it but it can also be hard to grasp. So don’t think, don’t expect, don’t judge. Just listen.
Hopefully I can further express this in a later post.