Turning my focus inwards have allowed me to ground myself in my experience. The feeling of digging deeper and deeper now excites me rather than frightens me. Because in the beginning it was hard to even face myself. The most important thing to me, is to trust in the higher power. Trusting my journey.
So where do start?
Yea, life has been hectic after Christmas and all of that noise, even though I find it lovely to spend time with loved ones, I also value my alone time a whole lot.
Spending time with people sometimes have me end up outside of myself. I get caught up and slowly drift from myself. I forget to fill my cup, and soon I would be drained. Then I become a snail in its shell. I turn inwards to find myself again. I go into my cocoon to shower myself with love, and now I recover in no time.
I am learning to hear my own needs while around others and taking the space I need. This year I open up to receiving the courage and confidence to be me, always, no matter what. I am learning to feel worthy, because I know I am worthy. I deserve, what ever my heart desires.
My baby girl is now 19 days, and I have never before experienced time flying by like this. Everyday something happens or there is a change in her appearance. Things are happening so fast and still I have no understanding of time.
The moment she was placed on my breast and she started searching for my nipple, I felt a spark with in, and instantly I felt a shift in my life. The lioness within me has awoken.
Even though giving birth was the most liberating experience ever I still need time to process it. 19 days of bonding, breastfeeding, changing diapers and unconditional love! Don't get me wrong, this shit is challenging, but when I look at her all that disappears. She chose me/us to care for her, to nurture her and to love her, and I feel honored! I will do my very best, and I look forward to growing with her, exploring this world and connecting with Mother Earth all over again.
So I am officially 11 days over due, and I am finally having contractions! Yaaay.
On Monday I went to see my midwife and due to leakage I was sent to the hospital to examine if the water had broke. But it was a false alarm, apparently it was just discharge in a very watery form, which is common before labor starts.
I was patiently waiting for labor to kick in, but nothing was happening. Yesterday I noticed a change in the color of the discharge. It went from this see through watery liquid to a pinkish color and a bit thicker in the texture. This is a sign that the cervix is ripening, and it wasn't long until I started having contractions.
Ive been up all night, clocking contractions. Since two am they have been consistent, 10 minutes apart. Then it was a while when they were about 20 minutes apart around 7am this morning. Now I am having two contractions in 7 minutes and the clock is 1:40pm. I'm gonna continue clocking for a while and then head in to the hospital.
I am so excited. This is it, we are finally meeting our baby girl!
I am feeling a bit stressed. Phone calls are coming in, people are curious asking if she arrived. I feel blessed to have people care about us and our baby girl, but I am also a bit frustrated over the situation. I am trying to relax and not get to worked up, but I just can't wait to meet my baby.
I am seriously thinking about going hiding underneath a rock somewhere and not come out to show my face until this little one has decided to enter this world.
But I guess I'm being a bit dramatic. Instead I'll kick my feet up, have some good food and watch movies.
Tomorrow I am going to see the midwife, hopefully that will bring me some peace.
Fresh basilica, pine nuts, garlic clove, nooch(nutritional yeast), Himalayan salt and olive oil.
Directions: place all the ingredients in a food processor and mix it. (Yes it is that simple)
When I first started to study and observe myself I noticed something I today call intervals. It was like my life consisted of loops and pendulums. As if I would end up in the same place sooner or later, saying "ah, this is so typical" not really understanding how I got there. Then I noticed how I was shutting my eyes when it came to facing my own behavior, because it was indeed my behaviors and actions that had me end up in this same spot. So I would end up "there" a mess, exhausted, broken and fed up with myself. I can still remember the inner dialogue that was playing so loudly inside my head. I would isolate myself from the people around me and turn inwards. I had to straighten things out for myself. This could last for months, and I must say that I learned a lot from spending time with myself. I would write songs, I would play around with the guitar, improving since I didn't know how to play. I would watch documentaries, read books, write my journal and write poetry. To be honest, during this time of my loop I was very creative. Once I started to study and notice what I had created for myself I saw how self destructive I was. It was almost as if I had to put myself through shit and danger in order to come back to myself and create. After being creative and learning I would go out into the world, only to hurt myself again, to gain some inspiration to create from. For quite sometime I lived in this loop, and thought that this was life. Either being happy, or being sad.
I believe that there was a time when this behavior may have served me good, but the direction that I was heading in was not in need of it. So I had to shed the layers I was hiding behind to expose my truest self, and this was so challenging. Building the new does not happen over night, and to get rid of a habit I believe we have to replace it with something else. So there where times where I would argue with myself, feeling ashamed over knowing better and still having these behaviors. I was in a void, of past behaviors and future behavior. Slowly, slowly the intervals would get smaller and I felt more and more like myself, being able to see when I was stepping outside of myself, entering a loop of past behavior. I had to learn how to be compassionate towards myself when this happened and not be so hard on myself. Trusting the process, and being open to learning. Surrendering to the now.
So here I am, 37 weeks pregnant looking back at my pregnancy journey. So much have happened, mentally, emotionally, spiritually and of course physically.
When I first found out that I was pregnant I had mixed emotions, and a million thoughts ran through my mind. I doubted my self and was frighten of motherhood. But deep inside I knew I wanted to keep the baby. I have done abortion before and I also had a miscarriage, so deep inside I knew that this was a blessing. But of course I asked myself if this was the right time. But then again who am I to say when's the right time.
Once we decided that we were going to keep the baby I knew change was needed, and I am so proud of how we have grown during this experience.
Knowing that my body now was a home for a growing individual I also had to think about what I was feeding my body. Knowing that the little person inside would be effected by my conditions made me more aware of my thoughts, feelings and habits. I was became even more aware of my lifestyle.
In the beginning I was somewhat low in energy but still didn't experience any negative symptoms of pregnancy such as morning sickness or headaches. Due to my diet I didn't really get the nutrition that I needed and I was craving candy and fat foods. It came to a point where I could eat burgers and pizza several days in a row.
Finally I started rethinking and questioning the foods I was craving, and started to eat "healthier" until I turned completely vegan. Once I turned vegan my energy was on top and my skin was clearing up from all the eczema that I have suffered from since a child. I have never felt better.
I am still processing the fact that I have a baby growing inside. Feeling her move inside of me, it's like time stops and I am completely mesmerized.
It's hard to explain what being pregnant does to you, but I feel like a whole new person. I feel holy, like a vessel of god, bringing an amazing piece of art into the world.
I have been so terrible at blog posts lately, but hey, something it be like that. I don't know if I have been writing about going vegan here, but if I have you just have to deal with another post. I know that this one isn't the last one neither.
So, more than a month ago me and my man decided to go vegan. We had slowly transitioned into becoming vegetarians but after seeing what the health, we decided to cut out all animal products from our diet.
In the beginning I felt hungry all the time, and got cravings. Being that I am pregnant I first thought it was pregnancy cravings, but after speaking to my two soul sister they confirmed to me that this was completely normal and that I wasn't alone in feeling hungry.
I can't lie, I have cheated a couple of times, and had some pizza. But honestly I was so disappointed each time since I didn't really feel satisfied. I just how heavy my body got and my skin did not like this as all!
There are so many other things that have been occurring to me after changing my diet and I will actually take time to share more with you. It's just that I have been preparing for the baby to arrive and have a hard time focusing on anything else. So please be patient with me.
I am soon entering the third trimester and becoming more eager to hold my baby girl in my arms, even though I know how important it is for her to continue developing inside my womb. By this stage there is little chance for the baby to survive outside of the womb due to lungs not being strong enough. So I just pray she stays in a while longer.
Symtoms this week:
I am starting to feel the Braxton hicks contractions more intensively now, which is not alarming at all due to the uterus preparing and training for labor. I am also feeling a lot of pressure on my ribs at the moment and I am trying to just breath through the uncomfortableness.
At this stage she is very active and has her own diurnal rhythm. She is in there training her mobility as well as preparing for life outside the womb. I can feel her catch the hiccups at times which I find so adorable.
It's amazing how connected I/we feel to her already and how she responds to us with a kick or movement. I am enjoying this time so so so much and feel so honored to be her mother.
Ok, so I have been dragging my feet when it comes to updating my blog. One reason is because I am so caught up in this pregnancy and I really been enjoying just spending time with my man connecting with our little princess. Due to the pregnancy my priorities have shifted and honestly I've been to tired to post things here also due to the fact that I haven't really thought about what I want to share. Now I am feeling more centered and rooted, which makes it easier to express myself.
I am currently in week 28, or I just entered week 28 (27+0). This is the last week of the second trimester, and it's only 90 days left till due date. Gaaaah, time flies.
I have had a pretty good pregnancy so far, with little to no pain or other symptoms like headache or nausea. I feel so lucky. I am now starting to feel heavier and have actually gained 20kg, even though it is not visible, I am curious how much more I will gain, knowing that I am entering the trimester where the stomach grows rapidly.
I promise I will be better at updating the blog, hopefully I can do a weekly update from now on.
As I watched myself watching myself, I wondered, who is this watching me?
Am I an infinite spirit watching myself having a physical experience, through the ever changing nows that adds up to my life?
This experience feels so new and yet so familiar. Is this the timeless place I feared so much?
Suddenly I heard, "you are drifting, soften your focus. Come back to the here and now. Do not fear what you see. You are safe to observe, safe to listen, safe to be".
I became aware of my body and how tense I had become, as if my body was resisting this experience. I took a deep breath, let go of the fear, trusting that the universe will hold me. Once again I was floating, once again I was tasting the sweet essence of my infinite soul. Here I was safe. Here I was free.
What a peaceful feeling, letting go of the control I thought is had.
Seeing oneself can be a challenge at times, but through acceptance one is set free. I am learning to accept not only myself but also the way I experience things. Seeing that I do not have to be in control at all time, nor do I have to figure things out, I just want to be present in the here and now.
Now that I've been observing myself for a while I also see that I do not have to react to everything that is happening, and I no longer feel the need of pointing things out.
The fact that I am pregnant completely slipped my mind due to a hectic day morning. I entered week 15 today, and now the baby is starting to pick up sound through the vibration in the water! That's so freaking amazing, and the fact that I am creating a life right now is mind blowing.
Now I am going to talk to my stomach and cuddle with the precious bundle of joy that is growing with in!
Gaaaah, what a morning it's been. Filled with frustration, which I don't find negative at all. In my frustration I also get to know myself and the things that ticks me which are the things that I am learning to deal with.
Since I accepted that I was healing I also had to admit to myself that I was hurting. Being honest with this allows me to get deeper within.
Selfawareness brings awareness over all. To see where I stand and how I perceive things allows be to understand myself and how I am constantly changing. Learning not to allow emotions run the show. But still I find it important to feel, without clinging on to these emotions.
It's equally important to feel as it is to deal with these emotions. Not holding the emotions against oneself. Seeing things for what they are.
It seems as if the latest post I've been posting have magically disappeared, but I guess it was meant to be that way.
So good people, the moment of truth has finally arrived.
To be honest I feel alone. I do have my amazing man that is so sweet and supportive, but when it comes to friends I honestly don't really feel I have many.
It's always been hard for me to have female friends and even harder to have genuine male friends. For so long I felt like a lonely wolf, and at times I still do.
I don't have a problem spending time with myself, I actually enjoy it! I just find myself socially awkward and often misjudged in company of others.
Maybe I am crazy to say this, but I have to be honest with how I feel... at times it's as if the friends I have don't always like me... and sometimes even envy me. It's like people tend to feel the need of competing.
Jealousy is a tricky thing... and I have a hard time believing that people do it on purpose. So I can't think bad of them for being jealous.
I strongly believe that friendship and companionship should be all about lifting each other up, but it's not often I see that happening in our generation. Sadly there is so much underneath the surface people rather hide and deny than to face and deal with...
When ever things go well for the people around me or even people I don't know, I am filled with joy! And I have learned read comparing oneself with others with only lead to disappointment.
I've learned to be grateful for what life offers me, instead of wishing for what life has offered others.
Yes people, I am pregnant!
I have been very tired and required lots rest, but finally I feel my energy is coming back!
I am entering week 14 on Thursday and still I haven't fully understood that I am pregnant. Even though my stomach is growing I still find it surreal!
So today is day 11 of my sadhana(spiritual practice) with the theme "discipline and commitment". I took the time to really think about my passions and honestly it's not as hard as I make it to be. I guess that's resistance, fear and doubt that I can accomplish the things I dream of. Sometimes I find it challenging to put words to the things I wish to happen and for some reason it's so much easier to name the things I don't want.
I am once again seeing the power of gratitude, and being grateful for what it. I have built a routine of creating music, and now I'm also creating jewelry. This I am proud and grateful of. Yoga is a part of my daily life and meditation is soon to be a part of it aswell. I am learning to be patient while I build. Laying each brick as perfect as I am capable of in that moment. Growing to understand that persistency is key! It's ok to wander, because each time I come back to what's important I build a stronger muscle of mindfulness.
Sometimes we have to forget in order to remember. Each time I "come back" I stay longer, and each time I slip, I remember to return quicker. I have now understood that this is my journey and everything that comes with it is my experience. I learn to treasure it all, "ups" as well as "downs" .
With all the self criticism and doubts I've experienced I can now say that I love to sing, I love to draw, I love to move my body, I love to write, I love making jewelry, and most importantly I do not have to prove myself in any of these things, because I do not do the to impress. I do it simply because it is a part of me, and others opinions and criticism does no longer effect me.
I am an artist!
So once again, I have an urge to express myself and what I'm going through. At the moment I m reading this book my mother gave me, it's called " The game of life and how to play it". Honestly it has had a huge impact on me already even though I only read one chapter. I won't get in to details of the book but I will share with you the thoughts that are arising from it.
It is so easy to forget what we are here for, and with the constant distractions and temptations of this world, I often find myself off track. One week I have this enthusiasm about where I'm heading in life, and the next week I feel completely lost. This is nothing new, and I pat myself on the back for strengthening the muscle of mindfulness. Because now a days I get back on track with in days or weeks, when before it could take me months to even realize that I've been drifting.
Today I am committing to my purpose fully, and the intention of this year is discipline. The irony is that commitment takes discipline, and also will. I know that there will be days that I don't feel for it and that's just old patterns repeating it self , but to create the new I also have to do something different .
My purpose it still something that isn't completely clear to me, and this is why I am building this commitment to myself, because somehow I am my life purpose.
The book has shed the light on how important and powerful the word is, and therefore I am committed to write! To express where I am and to have the courage to dream.
There is something else that I have found powerful these couple of days and I have mentioned it in an earlier post probably last year ( if I haven't deleted it) and that is the on going conversation that we have with ourselves. The beauty of this is that it is also the conversions we are having with the universe. This is the law of attraction, and the universe is always listening. It will respond on the same frequency as your self talk. So if you are talking down to yourself this is also what you will receive.
I have been working on myself talk and honestly it haven't been the easiest thing to accept. I come from such destructive behaviors, and still from time to time they will visit. Then again I must say I am proud of where I stand today, and the fact that I can face myself with love and understanding.
I am excited for my upcoming yoga class I am instructing! The last one I did was truly a eye opener, and I got to observe myself in a way I never have done before! I know that the learning and growing never ends and I am curious how things will unfold this time!
My current focus is grounding, which I believe that we can find very useful in the times we live in! In grounding we will focus on the first chakra, root or base chakra or muladara chakra which it's called in the yogic language Sanskrit. This is the first chakra and it's located in the base of the spine. The element is earth and represents our physical form.
When energy flows freely through this chakra it supports us and we feel safe. Just like a solid foundation. But when there are blockages here, we experience fear, and as a survival instinct we push away new experiences and connect back to painful experiences of the past. We are then unable to create new connections.
Hopefully I will be able to guide my students through their fears and achieve new and soothing experiences of being here and now.