Thoughts

I feel as if I am finding my voice, learning to express myself directly, and keep it simple.  

 

For a long time I felt misunderstood, and the more desperately and aggressively I would express myself, the more I would feel misunderstood.

Now I frankly don't care if you get what I'm saying, unless you ask me to explain. Then I will take my time and to clarify anything that feels unclear.

As long as I stay true to me.  

first yoga class

I am so grateful for the people that came today, and the fact that they trusted me to lead them through this class. I must admit that I messed up a couple of times, but we grow from our mistakes, and I refuse to see it as failure. If this was a while back I would be really hard on myself, because I know that I know better. Still I sometimes have to make those mistakes that I was so frightened doing, and turn the fear into courage and knowledge. 

We all start as beginners and practice makes perfect. I ask myself, what is it that I want to teach, and the same moment ask myself I know that I want to teach love and compassion. 

But most importantly I have to practice it, on myself and others. I am finding my way and my voice through this journey and I am learning to be proud even of my flaws. And by that I mean grateful for the experience of it, but it doesn't mean that I won't work on the things I feel needs my attention a bit more.

The Holidays

Right now I was supposed to be in Italy with my man and his family, but unfortunately a couple of days before we were going to leave my whole skin broke out, and I wasn't able to leave. So Christmas didn't happened as planed, but then again what goes according to plans anyways?

Here I am in Sweden, on Christmas eve without any type of Christmas spirit. With all honesty I never felt the Christmas spirit being that I haven't celebrated it since my parents got divorced when I was 8. This time has always been dark and lonely for me and I would long for a family to celebrate with.

Today I see that I don't care much for any holiday, and I think everyday should be a celebration. It's almost as if these holidays, makes us focus on the things we don't have and gives us the opportunity to be ungrateful and greedy. The holidays to me is destined to be a disappointment because you can always find something to be disappointed about.

 

Boom!

Life truly happens unexpectedly at times.

I've been shaken and woken. 

I am done speaking about events. I honestly feel like I have had enough of my own bullshit trying to reach out to people. I'm done seeking approval.

The only thing that I find important right now is for me to accept the now and what ever experience I am having. I can't worry about everything or everybody else and get myself all worked up for no reason, when I actually could be having a very pleasant experience just being in my body and feeling the now. 

Allowing the experience to take place in my whole being, instead of limiting myself by only using my mind.

Surrendering to the now, trusting the universe and letting go of the need to be in control. 

 

 

 

Day 115 (sadhana)

The days are slipping by fast and for some reason, they all kind of blur together. Floating through space forgetting all about the concept of time. Finally I feel free. I am free in my thinking, and I feel free in my body. 

Breaking through the berries, digging through the layers, exposing the core. 

I had to accept myself and the life that I had built for myself, and therefor I learned to be compassionate with others and where they stand. Last year (summer 2015) my mother gave my a book written by Louise Hay, You can heal your life. This book was my wake up call.

I had a series of experiences that I allowed to effect me negatively, and for quite some time I was questioning pretty much everything. My questioning had started long before my mother gave me this book, but it was as if I was reading my own words, and for the first time I opened up to listen. This book helped me to structure my life and finally I started to walk the walk, and even though it was less talking I would still talk. I am learning to be more selective in what I say, and I'm trying to keep it simple. Simplicity is key.

115 days ago I started a intensive yoga teacher course. and it has been everything between intensive and peaceful. I have gained so many tools from this experience and now i truly feel like a yogini.

Yoga had been extremely helpful in all aspects of my life and I am grateful for the relationship I have developed with yoga and myself! I went from thinking spiritually to actually with my whole being expressing my spirituality!

Light and blessings <3

 

 

Family

Today My mother is coming to Stockholm to visit me. She recently became a grandmother  and I am now an aunty. So my mother traveled to Gothenburg to hang out with my powerful sister and the little princess! 

I feel so blessed to have this in my life. Even though my sister lives in an other city and my mother lives in an other country, we have a beautiful bond. Plus it gives me opportunites to travel. 

It's time

I now feel the need of going deeper into the darkness to grow. The situation around my are not the environment I want to adapt to or the images people see when then see me is not what I want to live up to. I am learning to live for me and not dedicating my time into pleasing people around me. I'm letting go of the expectations and ignorance of others because it is not my responsibility to make their reality accurate.

I let go of all that does no longer serve me and I do so with love.

All the misunderstandings and differences are now settled. For all those who are around me; I feel with you, I feel for you. But the time has come for me to think of me and now it is time for me to be considerate for myself. I no longer want to place myself in harmful situation, and I want to be able to be love and speed love in all that I do. So for love I now turn to myself. I now return to my cave to develop and grow for your and my safety. I will be back when I have healed what I am working on to heal. So please, immediete family and friends, understand that this is nothing personal. I do this for the sake of all of us. I want to be able to radiate nothing but love. Because love is what I am. 

Blessings